Today is a happy day. The Texas Rangers have announced that they’ve struck a deal with Ameriquest to return the naming rights to the team.

I was a little miffed when they sold the naming rights to Ameriquest in the first place. Not because I objected to them selling the name in the first place, I understand that’s part of the business, but because I thought that a subprime lending company was a rather irresponsible choice. (Especially for one that didn’t really net all that much money as naming deals go.)

Anyway, I’m sure the new/old name is only temporary. Surely it’s being shopped again in search of a better deal. Here are my predictions:

Suburban Stadium
In a desperate move to reverse the ever-tanking fortunes of the ballclub and the American automaker who manufactures trucks just down the street, the greatest suburban stadium will be sponsored by the most suburban nameplate in SUVs: The Suburban. As an added promotion, season ticket holders who drive the big ute from Chevy/GMC will receive free parking, however, the gas expense will offset any potential savings.

KBR Park
In a brilliant no-bid contract that won’t be announced to the public until several years after the deal is in effect, the naming rights will secretly be sold to the private security firm quietly running much of the action in Iraq. In exchange for the naming rights, KBR will be hired to “rebuild” the Rangers minor league system, but will rack up a bill several times the size of A-Rod’s infamous contract and lose large quantities of cash because Frisco “lacks quality accounting standards.”

Wal-Mart Yards
In this deal, Tom Hicks will actually pay Wal-Mart $3 billion dollars and the city of Arlington will give Wal-Mart a tax abatement in exchange for the company building a store in Wal-Mart SuperCenterfield. The dot race will be run by a field composed entirely of whistling, yellow smiley faces and Hebrew National dogs and Dr. Pepper will be replaced by Sam’s Choice “Probably not Horsemeat” dogs and Great Value “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Battery Acid” cola.

Halliburton Park
To balance out the negative publicity of moving their HQ from Houston to Dubai, the company formerly run by the most famous former Rangers owner’s VP will jump at a chance to work a naming rights deal in “America’s Pastime.” Of course, the deal won’t be without influence from our regal Arabian overlords. Despite the 100o mid-season temperatures in Arlington, the gigantic Liberty Bell in left field will be replaced by an artificial snow skiing slope and a gold-leaf-covered chair lift. Beer sales will cease immediately.

Pfizer Pfield
In a deal that will feature Rafael Palmeiro’s triumphant return to sports marketing, the ballpark will be renamed “Pfizer Pfield.” This deal will be worth several million on top of the naming rights to include other on-and-off field promotions throughout the year including:

  • “Lipitor Dollar Dog Night”
  • “The Detrol Dot Race” (In a race sponsored by an “overactive bladder” medication, the yellow dot is a pretty safe bet.)
  • “The Relpax Reliever of the Year” award will be sponsored by Pfizer’s best selling migraine medication. The award won’t go to the reliever with the most saves, holds, or lowest ERA. It will go to the reliever whose late inning disasters end up causing the biggest increase in Relpax prescriptions among the coaching staff and front office.
  • The late August “Viagra Stretch Run” will feature discounted tickets after the Rangers have taken their typical late summer flop and provide a lift to sales after the team has been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs
Categories: Sports

1 Comment

Shelley · 20 March 2007 at 2:40 PM

You’re funny.

Aneil totally stole my Evolver tshirt, by the way.


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