Texas
Real Nickname: The Lone Star State
What it should be: The "we're not carrying firearms, honest" State
Observation: "Canadians" think we talk funny

Arkansas
Real Nickname: The Natural State
What it should be: The Unnatural Relations with your Cousin State
Observation: Arkansas has 2.1 churches per capita

Tennessee
Real Nickname: The Volunteer State
What it should be: The Parallelogram-shaped State
Observation: Joseph Smith wrote his verses from God on silver plates. Elvis wrote his on platinum records.

Kentucky
Real Nickname: The Bluegrass State
What it should be: The "our dank, stinky hole is longer than your dank, stinky hole" State
Observation: Kentucky leads the world in Female Mullet production

Ohio
Real Nickname: The Buckeye State
What it should be: The "with God as my witness I thought turkeys could fly" State
Observation: Ohio is in the Eastern Time Zone

Pennsylvania
Real Nickname: The Keystone State
What it should be: The Bitter Beerface State
Observation:

New York
Real Nickname: The Empire State
What it should be: From Here to Schanectady
Observation: When driving through the middle of New York state you see the Finger Lakes. When driving through New York City you see middle fingers.

"Canada"
Real Nickname: The Hockey State
What it should be: The "We Think We're Our Own Country" State
Observation: An entire state full of people who can't pronounce the letter "o"

Vermont
Real Nickname: The Green Mountain State
What it should be: Everything you ever expected of Vermont and less
Observation: There's not much here but the roads are fun

New Hampshire
Real Nickname: The Granite State
What it should be: The Land of 10,000 Flakes
Observation: It's like Vermont, but upside down

Maine
Real Nickname: The Pine Tree State
What it should be:
Observation: The rain in Maine falls mainly on the planes. Unless you're driving.

Massachusetts
Real Nickname: The Bay State
What it should be:
Observation:

Connecticut
Real Nickname: The Constitution State
What it should be:
Observation:

New Jersey
Real Nickname: The Garden State
What it should be:
Observation: New Jersey is the Garden State. You know what Gardens are built on? Compost.

Delaware
Real Nickname: The First State
What it should be: The First Sta (That's all that will fit on their billboard unless they decrease the font size or work out a deal with Maryland)
Observation:

Maryland
Real Nickname: The Old Line State
What it should be:
Observation:

Washington D.C.
Nickname: Isnota state
Observation: We'll put anything in our mouths

Virginia
Real Nickname: The Old Dominion State
What it should be: The "we think we're the capital" state
Observation:

North Carolina
Real Nickname:The Tar Heel State
What it should be: The Mentholated Low-Tar Heel State
Observation:

South Carolina
Real Nickname: The Palmetto State
What it should be:
Observation:

Georgia
Real Nickname: The Peach State
What it should be: The Cheapest Gas State
Observation: The chicken wasn't invented here, just the chicken sandwich

Florida
Real Nickname: The Sunshine State
What it should be:
Observation:

Alabama
Real Nickname: The Yellowhammer State
What it should be:
Observation:

Mississippi
Real Nickname: The Magnolia State
What it should be:
Observation: Mississippi is very dark at night

Louisiana
Real Nickname:
What it should be:
Observation: